What makes the Best Sex Ever?
The scariest thing that ever happened in my marriage was when the passion almost died. Sure life had hit us full force with its burdens, but what happened? We had been so sure we would be different. Turns out, we didn’t understand what passion is all about.
I always enjoy it when people talk about the best sex they have ever had. The stories are quite captivating and tantalizing. Most are one time encounters or fleeting romantic liaisons. The bylines are quite arousing. We were young, wild, and threw discretion to the wind. She was uninhibited and filled with desire. His deep blue eyes melted my will to resist. Unfortunately, few are in the context of a long term relationship.
They are great stories and all share a common thread, intense passion. It is one of the most powerful emotions we can experience, yet most people agree that it fades with time. Why does it fade and can we prevent it from happening? To understand why it fades, it might help us look at why the best sex episodes are so good.
First, in a new relationship, there is a unique intensity and excitement. There are no negative histories or memories to decrease the desire. The lovers are free to imagine the other is their ideal. There is an inherent passion.
The second element is a lack of fear. The passion is so intense between them they allow it to override any fears they have. Without fear, they freely abandon the trust and safety issues that usually prevent them from being able to let go. Intense passion and no fear is the hallmark of great sex.
Why is it different and difficult in a long-term relationship?
Maintaining a relationship is the antithesis of passion. We cannot rely on the spontaneous desire that comes with newness. Our ability to fantasize that our partner is the ideal lover fades with time as we face the realities of each other’s flaws. Attraction and desire wane and the work begins.
The main underlying reason passion wanes in longer relationships is because of fear. The fear we will lose everything if our partner finds out who we really are. Early in our relationships, we tend to only have sex in a narrow sexual spectrum not to offend each other. Initially, all is great because it is new, but then it becomes boring. The only way forward is to either continue with boring sex or share our deeper sexual desires. It is our biggest fear that if we tell our partner our sexual desires, they won’t be able to deal with what we tell them, or if they tell us, we won’t be able to deal with their revelations. So nobody says anything. Neither can fully let go sexually with the other because they can’t trust each other’s responses. Their lack of communication dooms them to a future of passionless sex.
What is the solution to keeping passion alive?
It would be ideal to discuss sexual expectations and desires before starting a relationship (“5 Sex Conversations You Need to Have Before Starting a New Relationship” Benjamin Davis) and frequently revisit it as our ideas can change a lot as we age.
If you don’t do it ahead of time the discussion will always be difficult, but seems to get more painful as time passes. When to do it, I’m not sure? In my marriage, it took a crisis to begin the discussion. Luckily, love and attraction were still present, and we both believed passion was still possible. The glue that kept us together was the fact that we could still see the person we fell in love with when we looked into each other’s eyes.
The hardest part of the solution is to overcome our fears. First is our fear of rejection. I think it is safe to say we all want to share our deepest sexual fantasies with the one we love, but our fears block us. The most important part of any relationship is trust. It is important to realize that we don’t truly trust one another until we can both openly share our full sexuality. Once we can do this, passion still takes work, but it stays alive. Why because once you have this trust, it provides the foundation to feel safe with one another. Once we have trust and safety, it allows us to give ourselves fully to one another sexually without fear of judgement. This opens the door to having great sex.
The second fear is results from a denial of our own sexuality. We are afraid to admit we have desires and fantasies, but we all have them. There is no reason to be ashamed. They don’t define who we are, are not a character flaw, and we need not act on them. However, they are a window into our erotic minds. This is where our passion originates. So we need to throw away judgement and encourage each other to share our fantasies. It is scary, so start slowly. It is the key to ongoing passion.
In my marriage it took 10 years to admit our passion was dying. We realized we would lose everything if we didn’t start talking openly about our fantasies and desires. It was terrifying, but so was the fact we were falling out of love. Slowly, we started opening up to each other. There were boundaries and fears to discuss, but the more we shared, the more open we became. Suddenly, we noted our sexual walls coming down and our passion returning. Then we sensed a deeper level of trust between us. It all confirmed we were on the right path. Once you can communicate on that level, you will never let it go. Why, because the trust, safety, and erotic openness leads to the best sex ever for the rest of your life.