My Path From Anorgasmia to Multiorgasmia
One woman’s story about finding her orgasms and how they changed throughout her life. A collaborative article published with my spouse.
I am a 68-year-old female married to the same man for 48 years. When I was young, there wasn’t anything written about female orgasms, because no one thought women had them. I didn’t have a clue, so my early sex was full of blissful ignorance.
Today, a lot has changed. There is a lot written about orgasms for females. We describe them as; vaginal, clitoral, multiple, single, squirting, small, mind blowing, etc. There is also a lot written about how to have them. It creates the impression that we are all having them, all the time, and there is nothing to it. If I was a woman who had never had an orgasm, or know if I had (which I was), I would have a lot of anxiety and think something is wrong with me.
It took many years before I had my first orgasm, and they have changed throughout my life. I have learned they are something that “happens” to me, when I feel safe, shut off my higher brain, relax, and surrender to the feelings of sexual pleasure. This was very hard for me to learn how to do, and I suspect it is for a lot of women. I would like to help that change.
Women rarely talk about sex. Many consider it TMI, however, in my life there was NEI (never enough information). In order to understand our sexualities, we need to learn from each other by telling our stories. There are very few stories of how a woman’s sexuality and orgasms change throughout her life. If we want orgasms, we need to help each other understand and feel good about our sexuality. It is in that spirit I tell my story.
As a young girl I was conservative and religious, but curious about sex. There was little reliable information about sex, no birth control except condoms, and a lot of scary stories about disease and pregnancy. Also, there was the iron clad social law, “Good girls don’t and bad girls do.” I loved the romance novels. They titillated me, but fear ruled me. I dated quite a few boys trying to find “the one”. They would kiss and grope me, but fear kept my responses in check.
As far as female masturbation, it was never openly talked about. It was alluded to in my romance novels, saying, “She touched herself down there.” This made me think it was more amoral than sex, and that bad girls have sex but only the worst masturbate. I tried it a few times, and it felt good, but along with it came an uncomfortable emotional feeling that stopped me. It was an extreme sense of vulnerability, fear, and loneliness. Even today, the negativity and feelings about masturbation from my childhood interfere with my ability to enjoy it. All this made me determined not to have anything to do with sex until I found “the one”.
Once I found “him” (the man I am still with today). I cast my leeriness away. We explored each other’s body with the excitement and playfulness of youth. It was exciting, but always punctuated in the background by my fear and insecurities (looks, smells, religion, dos and don’ts, etc.). We didn’t waste any time pushing the limits of petting over the next few months. Intercourse became inevitable. Trying to be responsible, we planned a day in the safer part of my cycle (there is no safe day) but had no condom. In our small town, if we tried to buy one, my dad would have known before we walked out the door.
The actual sex didn’t last very long (much to my boyfriend’s disappointment). It was great for me. I had no idea it should last longer; it felt good, and there was no blood (the stories about losing virginity always had blood). Emotionally, I glowed, I fulfilled an inner longing in me to give myself to the man I loved.
After that, every date was dangerous. Every time we were alone, we would want to have sex. Trying to time it during the safe period, or using the withdrawal method, led to a lot of anxiety awaiting my following periods. Eventually, we bought condoms in a distant town where we were anonymous. This allowed more sex, and a lot less stress. The next several years’ sex continued, naïve, simple, and fun. It would cause intense pleasure feelings in my pelvis which at the time was very fulfilling.
We married a couple of years later and two major events brought about the next stage of my sexuality. The birth control pill and Masters and Johnson. The early pills had high doses of estrogen, which caused side effects but eased my fear of pregnancy, which increased my libido.
Masters and Johnson provided information that was a two edge sword. I had always felt a little shame that I liked sex. So, it relieved me to read that other women enjoyed it. However, they also said women had orgasms and sometimes several. I was skeptical about this, as I had never heard women had them. In addition, if it was true, my husband and I both felt a little let down. We thought we had great sex. I had always felt pleasurable pelvic feelings, but apparently there was more. This sent us on a hunt for orgasms.
It seemed, reading the case histories of Masters and Johnson, women who could have orgasms needed a sufficient level of stimulation. My husband now felt even worse about not lasting very long and bought every type of vibrator he could find. While they were interesting, I found them distracting and didn’t feel turned on using them. So they were no help.
Next, I had never felt good about allowing my husband to manually or orally stimulate me. He reassured me he liked it and we explored these. The more I relaxed, the better it felt. Sex play lasted longer and was a little more intense, which lead to occasional pelvic waves, but no definite orgasms. After a while of hunting for orgasms, sex was losing some of its playfulness. So, we decided not to worry about orgasms, if they even existed.
Our fourth year of marriage we started a family. I didn’t realize how unsexy and stressful trying to have kids could be, and thankfully it didn’t take us very long. It stimulated my sexuality, but I didn’t have time to explore very much. Because of a complication, we had to stop having sex during the second half of my pregnancy, which also served as an excuse for my husband, who didn’t find later pregnancy sexy.
With the birth of our first child, our emotional life tumbled into chaos. I had the usual maternal freak outs. No sleep, no time, a body I was sure was no longer beautiful, and the feeling that now that I’m a mother I shouldn’t have or enjoy sex. In addition, after the first child, it left me with a tender vaginal scar. It prevented us from having any sex for 6mo, and then painful sex, for the next 2 years. The final blow came at the same time as the birth of our second child. They diagnosed my husband with a life-threatening cancer. The intensity and conflict of the emotions that arose because of all this caused us to withdraw into our own separate worlds.
With the birth of our second child, the doctor repaired the painful vaginal scar, and it was no longer painful, so at least we could resume sex. It seemed to feel better than before I had a tear (I think I was so happy to not feel pain anymore; it freed me to focus on how good it could feel). After all this, I’m not sure why or how, but I had my first real intense pulsating vaginal orgasm (8 years into our marriage). It was a wonderful feeling, more intense than my previous sensations, and included my whole pelvis. From then on, I would have them, but they were rare. I cried because it made me feel so good, yet it seemed to magnify the feelings of emotional distance that now existed between my husband and me.
It took me awhile to understand my orgasms. It turned out the more I wanted one, the less I would have, and the more I forgot about having one, the more I would have. My husband was very excited that I was having them. I thought he could tell when I had them, but he developed the annoying habit of always needing confirmation. That is when I discovered another sure orgasm stopper is knowing every time you have sex, your partner is going to ask you “did you have one”? Once I told him, he stopped and the occasional orgasms returned. It took longer for me to learn how to relax enough in order to orgasm with other forms of stimulation, but they weren’t as intense and even more infrequent for me.
Our emotional distance continued to widen, and I knew something else was wrong but couldn’t understand what it was. Finally, my husband told me during the chaos he faltered and had two affairs. It crushed me. He said he was sorry, but it convinced him he wanted me and the closeness we had before. He thought the best way for me to see if I would feel the same way would be for me to have sex with other men (I had never been with anyone else). He felt the safest way to do this would be to open our marriage and explore sexuality together. It sounded crazy and scary, but I still believed in him. I reasoned I might as well because I would have to explore sexuality by myself if we split. So we put away our fear, our negative sexual programing, and preconceptions aside. Everything we did, we always talked about it ahead of time, and did it together.
From then on we found ourselves able to communicate again and had a common goal to regain the emotional connection we once had. We went on tropical sex vacations (Hedonism), strip clubs, sex clubs and other venues that could teach us more. I had sex with other men, and while fun and exciting, it also showed me sex with a connection like my husband and I had, is the best. We hit a lot of walls, but always worked our way through them before moving on. The journey helped me to accept my sexuality, rebuild our trust, and my orgasms became even more intense and regular. It was during this time (15 years into marriage) that I had my first nocturnal orgasm (in my sleep). They are intense and are uniquely pleasurable. I still have them rarely triggered by erotic dreams which, sadly, I can never remember.
As menopause approached, in my early 40s, my periods became irregular and my PMS mood swings worsened. Also, I had occasional stress incontinence (leaking urine with coughing or laughing) which was disconcerting. After making sure everything was ok inside my uterus with an ultrasound, I went on constant period suppression (which had just come out as being safe). With this regimen, I took an active birth control pill every day. This was a godsend for me. I never had a period again and no more PMS, which increased our connection and sexual opportunities. I should add, I was lucky because approximately 50% of women who try this elect to stop, because of various problems.
Just after this, our kids left the house and our sex lives flourished. Our childhood connection returned more playful, trusting, and deeper than ever. My orgasms were regular, my libido was at an all-time high, my sexual inhibitions/insecurities were fading, and we were free to travel and have sex just about whenever we wanted. The sex we had was great. Perfect! Right? It was for a while, but something stirred in me I didn’t understand. Apparently the kids leaving the house freed me to look deeper at my sexual being.
I was having great sex and regular orgasms, but sensed I was blocking something, and it took me quite a while to figure out where it was coming from. Somehow, it seemed to come from my childhood fantasies of dominance and submission. The thoughts terrified me, but they seemed to be a block in my mind that prevented me from completely letting go. I tried to explain this to my husband, but it was something I didn’t even understand. He was very apprehensive because the DSM listed it as a mental illness, and he had never had fantasies in that direction. But he was all for helping me explore whatever I needed to understand my feelings.
This opened the door to the 50 shades of gray stage of our sexuality, 25 years into our marriage. We explored it for several years, on and off. It enhanced our sexual creativity and gave us a lot more sexual fantasies to play with. It also showed me I had a block, in a sexual environment, about emotional surrender that prevented me from completely letting go . For me, I had to learn how to completely surrender with non sexual stimulation. Our 50 shades experiences gave that to me. It seemed to be the last piece of my sexual puzzle.
Soon after our 50 shades exploration, during a particular heavy love making session, I reached a powerful orgasm while having sex. Like always before, I insisted my husband to stop, because the vaginal sensations were becoming very intense. This time my husband didn’t stop and encouraged me to embrace the intensity (age allowed him to last a lot longer) which triggered it to happen; multiple, intense, squirting, total body orgasms. The feeling was incredible as one after the other went throughout my entire body. Once the frenzy was over, I noticed we were now in a pool of fluid. I realized I had squirted and became embarrassed saying I was sorry (Yes there are some minor glans that increase lubrication and release fluid with orgasm, but most fluid is from urine because of the intense pelvic contractions). My husband reassured me the fluid didn’t matter, it was a tremendous turn on, and he was proud of me for being able to let go. It was a very emotional moment, I probably would never allow myself to go there again if he had shown distaste or disgust. We now always have a large supply of towels.
I haven’t looked back since. Once I learned that path to multiple orgasms I can now facilitate them happening as many times as I can tolerate while having sex. It took me awhile longer but I can now experience multiple orgasms while having oral, manual partner stimulation. However, for me they are much more intense and preferable while having intercourse. I wonder if things would be different if I could have embraced masturbation. Also, multiple orgasms besides being wonderful, had another beneficial side effect. After I began having them, my urinary incontinence went away and has never returned.
Menopause terrified me because of all the stories I had heard. However, for me it was fairly easy. When I stopped the continuous pill at 55 and allowed menopause to arrive, I had very few hot flashes or emotional changes. My libido changed very little. Emotionally, it is easier to accept my sexual nature than before menopause. However, I notice I need more lube than I used to.
Life continually brings modifications. Earlier in life, I experienced a lot of sexual changes. Now, life seems to bring my husband a lot of changes. The sexual work and changes that I did throughout my life have allowed me to chill out and help him. His libido has lessened. I can now realize it is not a rejection of me, if he doesn’t always have erections like he used to have. If he has a rare episode of ED, I encourage him to stimulate me to orgasm in other ways.
It is my turn to help his libido. Earlier in my life I felt uncomfortable dressing in erotic clothing, but my husband always enjoyed it. Being retired, we now have the gift of time, so I dress up for our afternoon play dates and enjoy languishing in the sexy and erotic feelings that I couldn’t enjoy before. Porn used to turn me off, and judged it as evil, until I read an article on how some researchers showed porn to animals to get them to mate. We tried it. I like the ones that empower female fantasies such as Fantasy Massage, Female Taxi, Blacked, etc. I now understand the eroticism and fun it can bring to a couple if they can learn to enjoy it together.
So here I am, 68 years old, and sex is the best it has ever been. It is not as exciting and energetic as youthful sex or new sex. However, that is far surpassed by the lack of insecurities, connection, orgasms, playfulness, eroticism, and post coital glow of our sex now. Our years working together, trying to understand each other and our sexuality, without the shame and guilt imprinted on us in childhood, has paid off. The resultant level of trust has freed us to immerse ourselves together in our sexual fantasies and experience sexual connection on a higher level than we even thought possible.
This is my story. Some details are embarrassing, but I encourage others to tell theirs so we know what is possible. Mine turned out well, I found my orgasms, but there were times I had no idea where I was going, and it was very hard. My keys were: overcoming my sexual insecurities and negative programing, learning how to surrender to sexual pleasure, and be in an environment of trust and safety. My body knew what to do from there.